{Monday Memory} Again. It Happened Again.

**I have debated for the past 6 months about whether or not I wanted to post this.  As I have said before, I think that on blogs we tend to gloss over the things in life that are painful, not as much fun, or that show what is truly going on.  It's not all rosy all of the time.  When I started this blog I wanted to be true to myself and telling this story is doing just that.**

In early June I found out that I was expecting another baby.  I waited until our anniversary (the 12th) to tell Mr. Blue.  We were so excited, and so very happy.  It was all we could do to keep from telling the kids.  We had a lot of family in town over the Fourth of July for Mr. Blue's mom's 60th birthday party.  We told our kids on the way to his parent's house that Sunday and told both of our families.  (I'm not sure if any of you noticed Miss Pink's shirt in our Yellowstone photos.)

The kids were beside themselves.  So excited that the baby had decided to come back.  I felt so great.  I was training for an EPIC Relay and I was running faster than I have in several years.  I wasn't too nauseated.  Everything seemed to be going well.  I went in to see my midwife at around 8 weeks.  She couldn't find a heartbeat.  She said that it is not unusual to not hear a heartbeat that early.  She offered to send me for an ultrasound but I said that I could wait until our next appointment.  I wasn't worried.  I felt really positive and excited to have this baby.

In the next few weeks I would spot here and there.  Still, I wasn't worried.  I had friends who spotted their entire pregnancies and things were fine.  The last week in July, however, I knew things were not right.  Again.  I prepared myself for the worst.  One night Mr. Blue came home to find me on the couch. I was in so much pain.  I don't know how I got the kids into bed that night.  I tried to go to bed but by midnight the pain was excruciating.  I woke Mr. Blue up around 1 a.m. and told him to take me to the ER.  We didn't have anywhere for the kids to go so we piled them in the car and headed to the hospital.  I checked in (tried to at least) while Ben parked the car.  I needed to be numb.  Numb from the physical pain and numb from the emotional pain.  I hurt so bad in so many ways.

Several hours later we returned home.  I felt peaceful, but couldn't help but ask, "How could I lose another baby?"  I was the healthiest I have ever been this past summer.  I was taking such good care of my body.  I thought for sure I would have a healthy pregnancy.  I ached and longed for that baby.  There were moments that I felt like I was going through Hell.

My family (both sides) and the friends that knew what I was going through were so kind to me.  They brought/sent me flowers.  Called me on the phone.  Watched my kids.  Brought me food.  Sat with me.  Made sure I had books to read.

 We didn't have to tell the kids what had happened.  They knew.  One morning I came downstairs and Mr. Orange had arranged the flowers people brought/sent on the table.  He also got out most of our vases, went in the backyard, cut some flowers, and filled the vases up.

 When I was feeling teary, or down, he or Miss Pink would walk over and hug me just because.  Those hugs and kindnesses were so dear to me.  They were like a hug straight from Heaven.  It is amazing to me how sensitive kids can be and how aware they are of the things that are going on around them.

 I don't know why I have had to go through this twice in so short a time.  It seems unfair, but then I think of the people I know who have not been able to have children.  Or have been through countless miscarriages, or years of infertility, or have lost a baby at any time, and I realize that I am not alone.

Flowers for me from Miss Pink

 Of course, none of us is ever alone.  I read and reread Alma 7:11, "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people."  I was reminded that the Savior truly did understand what I was going through.  I could see His tender mercies.  They were there every day and they still are.

Miss Pink still talks about "Our Baby" constantly.  She lets me know that "She" is in Heaven and will come back soon.  I believe her.  I have to.  Because if I don't, I don't think I will have the courage to try again.

fixed

I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether or not I wanted to write about what has been happening the past four weeks.  It has not been pleasant, in fact at times, it has been pretty crappy, lonely, devastating, painful, etc.  But I think that too many times we skim over the bad things that happen on blogs, and in life, and we only talk about the things that are light and fluffy.  So here is the story...

Mr. Blue and I found out that we were expecting our third child on December 28th.  We were both thrilled to have the chance to welcome another spirit into our home.  We decided to keep things quiet until we went to the first appointment, scheduled around 11 weeks.  I felt relatively good the first few weeks in January.  I was able to go running a couple of times, go walking, even my morning sickness wasn't too bad.  Towards the end of January I became exhausted (I never nap and slept for four hours after church one Sunday) and started to bleed.  I was very concerned and called my midwife.  I had several blood tests done and then it was the day for Mr. Blue and I to go to our first appointment.

That morning I went to Mr. Orange's class to help with reading and when I sat down I started to bawl.  The other mom and Mr. Orange's teacher put their arms around me and sent me home.  I called my mom in tears (she didn't even know I was pregnant) and she dropped everything to come up and hold my hand and then watch my kids while Mr. Blue and I went to the appointment.  I was so nervous that there wouldn't be a heartbeat.  My midwife talked to us for a long time and then it was time.  I got on the table and she started to listen.  I didn't have high hopes.  Then suddenly, there it was.  A strong healthy heartbeat that was not my own.  It was beautiful.  My midwife checked a few other things and could not determine the cause of my bleeding so she sent us over to the hospital for an ultrasound.  We were able to see our little baby moving all over the place.  It looked perfect.  We were sent home with pictures of our baby.

We told the kids over dinner that we would be having a baby and they were so excited!  Mr. Blue and I breathed a sigh of relief and things seemed to be going in the right direction.  The next morning was awful. I was positive I had lost the baby.  I cried in the shower.  I called Mr. Blue and cried to him.  I called the midwife and they reassured me that things were okay.  I was pretty much glued to the couch for the next week.  I passed off my Primary duties to the other members of the Presidency.  Anything that I did not have to do I didn't do.  Mr. Blue took up the slack and kept the kids out of the house so that I could rest and grow a baby.  Every time I picked Mr. Orange up from school the first words out of his mouth were, "So Mom, how's the baby doing?"  Miss Pink would ask me if the baby was sleeping or awake.  They had so many questions.  It was so much fun.

I began to realize that things were not going well, as if the bleeding were not enough, when I wasn't nauseated anymore (my morning sickness lasts 9 months), I could eat salad, Mr. Blue smelled good again, etc.  I called my midwife again last week so that I could just hear the heartbeat.  I decided to wait until Wednesday to go in.  Monday was an awful day.  I cried off and on and the kids were awful and we were supposed to be happy and loving because it was Valentine's Day and I just couldn't do it.  I was a wreck.  Tuesday was a bit better, but not much.  At least the kids were good.  We just watched TV all day long.  Wednesday came and I broke down that morning.  Mr. Blue kept telling me to be positive, but I kept telling him that I had to be realistic.  I cried and cried because I knew what was coming.

Mr. Orange had meetings all morning so I went to see the midwife with Miss Pink.  She had an intern working with her and they both talked to me for a little while and then it was time to listen.  The intern searched and searched and there was nothing.  Then my midwife searched and searched and searched some more and there was still nothing.  I was numb.  I left the office, took Miss Pink to dance, and went home.  I sat on the couch until it was time to pick the kids up.  Later that night I was talking to Mr. Blue and I told him that I hadn't cried since that morning.  I really feel like Heavenly Father put his arms under my armpits and picked me up and walked me around like a puppet the rest of the day.

On Thursday my midwife called to let me know that the blood tests were inconclusive and that I should go to get another ultrasound.  Mr. Blue and I went to the ultrasound and there was nothing.  Just nothing.  I went from having a small amount of hope that this baby was still alive to finding out that I would be in surgery the next day within 30 minutes.  It was a lot to process, but again, I was held together by an amazing sense of peace.  After the appointment I picked up the kids and realized that I would have to tell them.  I remembered Mr. Orange asking me after school the day before, "Mom?  Are we going to be able to keep this baby?"  Then that morning Miss Pink was on the stairs being silly and when she saw me she got all serious and asked, "Mommy?  How did the baby get lost?"

When we got home I sat them down and told them that this little baby would not be coming to our home.  That this baby needed to go back and be with Heavenly Father.  Mr. Orange sat and thought about that for a minute and then said, "Oh, so the baby needs to get fixed?  When Heavenly Father has fixed the baby, then it can come back to our house."  I love his explanation.  Kids are so wise.  I don't know if that is really how it happens, but I love it.

Friday morning I found out that my surgery was scheduled for an hour after I had called.  My mom, once again, cancelled meetings and came to watch the kids, a neighbor picked Mr. Orange up from school, my brother and sister-in-law came over and cleaned up my house with my mom, my mother-in-law took my kids to her house in the afternoon.  My surgery went well.  I had so many people that called to check in on me, brought over meals, babysat me when Mr. Blue took the kids out, etc.  My Bishop and one of his counselors even came over to make sure that I was doing okay.

Sometimes life can be really crappy, heartbreaking, hard, and lousy.  However, it can also be really good, full of blessings and love.  The past few weeks have shown me how many people care about me.  How sensitive kids can be.  How much stronger the love that Mr. Blue and I have for each other can get.  How much my Heavenly Father loves me, cares about me, and knows me.  I would have been so excited to have this baby come into our home and I am sad that it is not it's time.  I could choose to be bitter, upset, mad...but I have been blessed too much in the past few weeks.  I have had tender mercies poured out upon me and I have felt myself become stronger.  I can see Heavenly Father's hand in this.  I don't know when we will be blessed with another spirit in our home, I can only hope that we will be.