fixed

I have gone back and forth in my mind about whether or not I wanted to write about what has been happening the past four weeks.  It has not been pleasant, in fact at times, it has been pretty crappy, lonely, devastating, painful, etc.  But I think that too many times we skim over the bad things that happen on blogs, and in life, and we only talk about the things that are light and fluffy.  So here is the story...

Mr. Blue and I found out that we were expecting our third child on December 28th.  We were both thrilled to have the chance to welcome another spirit into our home.  We decided to keep things quiet until we went to the first appointment, scheduled around 11 weeks.  I felt relatively good the first few weeks in January.  I was able to go running a couple of times, go walking, even my morning sickness wasn't too bad.  Towards the end of January I became exhausted (I never nap and slept for four hours after church one Sunday) and started to bleed.  I was very concerned and called my midwife.  I had several blood tests done and then it was the day for Mr. Blue and I to go to our first appointment.

That morning I went to Mr. Orange's class to help with reading and when I sat down I started to bawl.  The other mom and Mr. Orange's teacher put their arms around me and sent me home.  I called my mom in tears (she didn't even know I was pregnant) and she dropped everything to come up and hold my hand and then watch my kids while Mr. Blue and I went to the appointment.  I was so nervous that there wouldn't be a heartbeat.  My midwife talked to us for a long time and then it was time.  I got on the table and she started to listen.  I didn't have high hopes.  Then suddenly, there it was.  A strong healthy heartbeat that was not my own.  It was beautiful.  My midwife checked a few other things and could not determine the cause of my bleeding so she sent us over to the hospital for an ultrasound.  We were able to see our little baby moving all over the place.  It looked perfect.  We were sent home with pictures of our baby.

We told the kids over dinner that we would be having a baby and they were so excited!  Mr. Blue and I breathed a sigh of relief and things seemed to be going in the right direction.  The next morning was awful. I was positive I had lost the baby.  I cried in the shower.  I called Mr. Blue and cried to him.  I called the midwife and they reassured me that things were okay.  I was pretty much glued to the couch for the next week.  I passed off my Primary duties to the other members of the Presidency.  Anything that I did not have to do I didn't do.  Mr. Blue took up the slack and kept the kids out of the house so that I could rest and grow a baby.  Every time I picked Mr. Orange up from school the first words out of his mouth were, "So Mom, how's the baby doing?"  Miss Pink would ask me if the baby was sleeping or awake.  They had so many questions.  It was so much fun.

I began to realize that things were not going well, as if the bleeding were not enough, when I wasn't nauseated anymore (my morning sickness lasts 9 months), I could eat salad, Mr. Blue smelled good again, etc.  I called my midwife again last week so that I could just hear the heartbeat.  I decided to wait until Wednesday to go in.  Monday was an awful day.  I cried off and on and the kids were awful and we were supposed to be happy and loving because it was Valentine's Day and I just couldn't do it.  I was a wreck.  Tuesday was a bit better, but not much.  At least the kids were good.  We just watched TV all day long.  Wednesday came and I broke down that morning.  Mr. Blue kept telling me to be positive, but I kept telling him that I had to be realistic.  I cried and cried because I knew what was coming.

Mr. Orange had meetings all morning so I went to see the midwife with Miss Pink.  She had an intern working with her and they both talked to me for a little while and then it was time to listen.  The intern searched and searched and there was nothing.  Then my midwife searched and searched and searched some more and there was still nothing.  I was numb.  I left the office, took Miss Pink to dance, and went home.  I sat on the couch until it was time to pick the kids up.  Later that night I was talking to Mr. Blue and I told him that I hadn't cried since that morning.  I really feel like Heavenly Father put his arms under my armpits and picked me up and walked me around like a puppet the rest of the day.

On Thursday my midwife called to let me know that the blood tests were inconclusive and that I should go to get another ultrasound.  Mr. Blue and I went to the ultrasound and there was nothing.  Just nothing.  I went from having a small amount of hope that this baby was still alive to finding out that I would be in surgery the next day within 30 minutes.  It was a lot to process, but again, I was held together by an amazing sense of peace.  After the appointment I picked up the kids and realized that I would have to tell them.  I remembered Mr. Orange asking me after school the day before, "Mom?  Are we going to be able to keep this baby?"  Then that morning Miss Pink was on the stairs being silly and when she saw me she got all serious and asked, "Mommy?  How did the baby get lost?"

When we got home I sat them down and told them that this little baby would not be coming to our home.  That this baby needed to go back and be with Heavenly Father.  Mr. Orange sat and thought about that for a minute and then said, "Oh, so the baby needs to get fixed?  When Heavenly Father has fixed the baby, then it can come back to our house."  I love his explanation.  Kids are so wise.  I don't know if that is really how it happens, but I love it.

Friday morning I found out that my surgery was scheduled for an hour after I had called.  My mom, once again, cancelled meetings and came to watch the kids, a neighbor picked Mr. Orange up from school, my brother and sister-in-law came over and cleaned up my house with my mom, my mother-in-law took my kids to her house in the afternoon.  My surgery went well.  I had so many people that called to check in on me, brought over meals, babysat me when Mr. Blue took the kids out, etc.  My Bishop and one of his counselors even came over to make sure that I was doing okay.

Sometimes life can be really crappy, heartbreaking, hard, and lousy.  However, it can also be really good, full of blessings and love.  The past few weeks have shown me how many people care about me.  How sensitive kids can be.  How much stronger the love that Mr. Blue and I have for each other can get.  How much my Heavenly Father loves me, cares about me, and knows me.  I would have been so excited to have this baby come into our home and I am sad that it is not it's time.  I could choose to be bitter, upset, mad...but I have been blessed too much in the past few weeks.  I have had tender mercies poured out upon me and I have felt myself become stronger.  I can see Heavenly Father's hand in this.  I don't know when we will be blessed with another spirit in our home, I can only hope that we will be.