{Monday Memory} Again. It Happened Again.

**I have debated for the past 6 months about whether or not I wanted to post this.  As I have said before, I think that on blogs we tend to gloss over the things in life that are painful, not as much fun, or that show what is truly going on.  It's not all rosy all of the time.  When I started this blog I wanted to be true to myself and telling this story is doing just that.**

In early June I found out that I was expecting another baby.  I waited until our anniversary (the 12th) to tell Mr. Blue.  We were so excited, and so very happy.  It was all we could do to keep from telling the kids.  We had a lot of family in town over the Fourth of July for Mr. Blue's mom's 60th birthday party.  We told our kids on the way to his parent's house that Sunday and told both of our families.  (I'm not sure if any of you noticed Miss Pink's shirt in our Yellowstone photos.)

The kids were beside themselves.  So excited that the baby had decided to come back.  I felt so great.  I was training for an EPIC Relay and I was running faster than I have in several years.  I wasn't too nauseated.  Everything seemed to be going well.  I went in to see my midwife at around 8 weeks.  She couldn't find a heartbeat.  She said that it is not unusual to not hear a heartbeat that early.  She offered to send me for an ultrasound but I said that I could wait until our next appointment.  I wasn't worried.  I felt really positive and excited to have this baby.

In the next few weeks I would spot here and there.  Still, I wasn't worried.  I had friends who spotted their entire pregnancies and things were fine.  The last week in July, however, I knew things were not right.  Again.  I prepared myself for the worst.  One night Mr. Blue came home to find me on the couch. I was in so much pain.  I don't know how I got the kids into bed that night.  I tried to go to bed but by midnight the pain was excruciating.  I woke Mr. Blue up around 1 a.m. and told him to take me to the ER.  We didn't have anywhere for the kids to go so we piled them in the car and headed to the hospital.  I checked in (tried to at least) while Ben parked the car.  I needed to be numb.  Numb from the physical pain and numb from the emotional pain.  I hurt so bad in so many ways.

Several hours later we returned home.  I felt peaceful, but couldn't help but ask, "How could I lose another baby?"  I was the healthiest I have ever been this past summer.  I was taking such good care of my body.  I thought for sure I would have a healthy pregnancy.  I ached and longed for that baby.  There were moments that I felt like I was going through Hell.

My family (both sides) and the friends that knew what I was going through were so kind to me.  They brought/sent me flowers.  Called me on the phone.  Watched my kids.  Brought me food.  Sat with me.  Made sure I had books to read.

 We didn't have to tell the kids what had happened.  They knew.  One morning I came downstairs and Mr. Orange had arranged the flowers people brought/sent on the table.  He also got out most of our vases, went in the backyard, cut some flowers, and filled the vases up.

 When I was feeling teary, or down, he or Miss Pink would walk over and hug me just because.  Those hugs and kindnesses were so dear to me.  They were like a hug straight from Heaven.  It is amazing to me how sensitive kids can be and how aware they are of the things that are going on around them.

 I don't know why I have had to go through this twice in so short a time.  It seems unfair, but then I think of the people I know who have not been able to have children.  Or have been through countless miscarriages, or years of infertility, or have lost a baby at any time, and I realize that I am not alone.

Flowers for me from Miss Pink

 Of course, none of us is ever alone.  I read and reread Alma 7:11, "And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people."  I was reminded that the Savior truly did understand what I was going through.  I could see His tender mercies.  They were there every day and they still are.

Miss Pink still talks about "Our Baby" constantly.  She lets me know that "She" is in Heaven and will come back soon.  I believe her.  I have to.  Because if I don't, I don't think I will have the courage to try again.